I am PISSED!!
I’m, well, I’m pissed! At myself. As I’ve probably mentioned previously, I have taken on the “project’ of learning to write as a challenge because I don’t know how to do it. I’m a good public speaker. It now comes very naturally to me. But I also know exactly what my topic will be and, almost always, I am a subject matter expert in it. In fact, I was in a meeting last month and somebody challenged me to do a presentation on such a topic at the next meeting, and I just, spontaneously, did the presentation right then and there. It doesn’t work that way with the writing.
Not at all.
To quote what has been widely attributed to the American poet and writer William Stafford, “We don’t write because we have something to say, but to figure out what we have to say.”
For me, writing can be a process of discovery, because there are times when I do uncover things that were not there before. (And that alone makes it an immensely powerful tool.) But generally, the writing I’m doing is intended to be a place to clarify, refine, and hone my thinking on something. My mother used to tell me that if I can’t write it clearly, I really don’t understand it. I believe that, completely. The value of publishing something that I’ve written, at least for me, is that it requires a rigor of expression that does not have to appear in my journal, which is just for me.
Earlier this week, I was a participant in an intimate group event led by one of the premier executive coaches in the country. At one point, he asked a question which was this: “What is holding you back?” I immediately had clarity on that! My answer immediately formed in the context of my writing, and it was this: “Imposter Syndrome.” (In case you are not familiar with this, but if you are reading this I bet you are: Imposter Syndrome is when an individual doubts their skills or accomplishments and has a fear that they will exposed as being an “imposter”, a fraud, often despite clear objective evidence to the contrary). The coach then pointed out that imposter syndrome is pervasive among virtually all people who are actively growing. The fact that when I shared my response with the group, it seemed like the whole room collectively made a short grunt of “oh, me too,” seemed in support of this contention.
And that is when I became pissed! If imposter syndrome is nothing more than a common symptom of personal growth, then I need to get over myself and not allow it to hold me back. It’s OK, even healthy, and necessary to be routinely self-examining our motivations and fears. But to allow those kinds of fears to interfere is just not OK.
So, exactly what are my fears? (What you would have no way of knowing, but this question has caused a great pause in the flow of words. Do I even know what they are? Are those things I do have floating into my awareness true fears or reflections of some deeper fear? Are they symptoms? I think they are.)
There are currently about eight billion people on Earth, and I am very much aware that only a handful care if I live or die. If I died tomorrow, I think a few more than a handful will, let’s say, regret my passing, but that is mostly because it will represent some sort of inconvenience for them! Within a week, they will have moved on just fine without me. I am very aware of this and completely OK with it. I hear people talking about wanting to leave a legacy of some sort. To my way of thinking, this is just a reflection of an out-of-balance ego. But it does leave a clue. They want to feel like they have been significant, that they have made a difference. And why do they want that? Because at some level, they believe they aren’t or haven’t been. I can relate to this, even if I don’t look at it the same way.
Perhaps this is rooted in my narcissistic tendencies, but I really couldn’t care less about leaving a legacy. I think the root fear I am dealing with is grounded in the desire to become all I can be and for my life to become an expression of that. And the fear is that I am, effectively, I am failing. Further, I think that “all I can be” is for me (and everyone) way higher/more expansive than our culture believes it to be. That is what I want and don’t yet have. So, not only did I have imposter syndrome holding me back (cause that is now history and I’ll no longer tolerate it as an impediment), but I also have uncertainty as I tread a path toward a level of living that goes beyond the stereotypes generated in our society of what “success” actually is. And the lack of clarity about which steps to take, which forks in the road to choose, slides me quickly from uncertainty to hesitation to inaction. That is also holding me back.
I am still pissed. Not because fear showed up, but because I let it steer me without self-examination. That is an expensive mistake. I’m not going to make it again anytime soon. How about you? Where are you letting hesitation make decisions for you? What dream have you quietly downsized so you do not have to risk embarrassment? Which action have you postponed while you wait to “feel ready”? If you know the answer, write it down. And then ask yourself one brutal question: If not now, when?
Or you can be like most and die with unrealized capacity and potential.
If you found this issue helpful and want to hear more from Greg, be sure to subscribe to his podcast, Pants Around Ankles Prevention, where each episode delivers a punch of truth to help you wake up, gain perspective, and live with greater clarity and purpose. Listen and subscribe now on Apple Podcasts or YouTube.
This issue was originally published by Greg Hayne on Substack.