What Won’t Leave Me Alone
If you’ve spent any time on my website, you’ve likely heard me talk about this before…this thing that won’t leave me alone. But it won’t leave me alone. It seems that behind everything I do, it is lurking. It may be influencing everything I do, but I don’t sense that. However, I am sure it is the driving factor behind at least some of the things I do and think about.
I call it the desire to grow, to become more than I am now. There are other labels one could put on this urging that drives me. For instance, Michael Beckwith refers to it as an “evolutionary impulse.. In Wesleyan Christianity, it would be called “prevenient grace”. In my mind, this drive has always been there. I was born with it. When I was young, I certainly did not understand it the way I do now, but reflecting on my youth, it was clearly in play, in much the same way it is now.
I am aware that I tend to be provocative. This may be where that part of me appears: I believe that this impulse is inherent in all human beings, and that it is equally vibrant and strong in all of us. However, I am also very clear that each human being’s relationship with it and reaction to it are different. Those relationships don’t often seem to be consciously selected and, frequently, it is not even thought about at all, much less in these sorts of terms. (It would not be wrong to say that it is because we are “asleep”.. I think some of this, um, “neglect,” is quite understandable. Because the impulse is present all the time, even while sleeping and dreaming, it does not call attention to itself. There is no contrast. There is just this persistent, gentle tugging that is easy to ignore, much like gravity. (We are so used to the constant impact of gravity on our lives that we tend to ignore it, not think about its enormous influence.)
So, even if an individual’s “neglect” of it has been unintentional and understandable, and even as life experiences have shaped our approach to it (because our experiences can and do), the result is that each human being’s relationship to it is different. Why I have responded to it differently from most is a mystery to me. (And if I came in with it, perhaps I also came in with the tendencies to respond the way I have. I don’t know.)
What I do know is that it won’t leave me alone! I’ve talked about this before in Issue 4, “My Mortality Demon,” where I described how my response to it has changed as the realization that I am running out of runway is settling on me. While my response to it seems to have changed, I get the sense that it has not.
But what you put your attention on grows. And my attention has certainly been drawn toward it, but I do get the strong sense that it has not changed. It is still there, waiting, tugging. Because my attention is on it, my sense of it grows. It is still a tug, still gentle, but at the same time also “louder”, more apparent. I suppose it’s like a waterfall. The water flow is constant and doesn’t change, but as you get closer to it, it becomes louder, literally.
This impulse is also intelligent. In Issue 14, “What You Seek is Seeking You”, I also talked about that. It seems to me that the gentle tugging exists because there is an intent and because it wants something, something of me or for me.
How we respond to it is a choice. We can ignore it. Certainly, many people do. We can also work to figure out how to best connect with it as a proactive choice. I recently described it to my wife as an “itch.. I experience it primarily as discontent. For me, right now, this work that I am doing to learn to write these newsletters seems to be precisely what I need to be doing. One of the ways I can tell is that the “itch” subsides when I am headed in the right direction. I often don’t know where I am headed next, but the “itch”, the discontent, ebbs and flows in a way to signal me. It is enriching my life!
I am not sure when I first started responding to the tugging. But I remember the first instance that I can recall. I’ve previously written about how I got started with journal writing. (Issue 12, My Brain Dump.) I would awaken at 2 or 3 AM and be “driven” downstairs to write. I certainly didn’t recognize that I was responding to an evolutionary impulse; I just needed to get stuff out of me so I could get back to sleep. But in hindsight, that is clearly what was happening.
What might be tugging at you? It could be in your awareness as restlessness. A feeling that, though nothing is wrong, it feels like something isn’t right either. Discontent. Boredom. Unidentified general low-grade anxiety. It can show up as depression, a recurring thought or theme. Or perhaps you’ve walked down your path further and you understand that, while life is good, it just doesn’t seem as good as it “should” or could be. (And you know at a deep level that you are right). You know, not that there “should” be something more, but that there is. And are aware that the gap between where you are and where you might be is behind the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. You just aren’t (yet) sure what to do about it.
If any part of what I’ve said resonates, maybe just sit quietly for a few minutes sometime soon and ask yourself, “What won’t leave me alone?” See what shows up. You don’t have to do anything about it. Just notice. That’s a start.
If you found this issue helpful and want to hear more from Greg, be sure to subscribe to his podcast, Pants Around Ankles Prevention, where each episode delivers a punch of truth to help you wake up, gain perspective, and live with greater clarity and purpose. Listen and subscribe now on Apple Podcasts or YouTube.
This issue was originally published by Greg Hayne on Substack.