Being Stuck is Not A Problem
Being stuck is not a problem. It is a symptom.
And working on symptoms rarely solves the problem. It may effectively mask it, for now, but the root cause remains. So, what is the root cause? There is an infinite array of problem and symptom combinations. Generically, though the problem is usually very simple. We want the world to be a certain way…and it isn’t. It could be work related, relationship driven, whatever. We want the world to be a certain way, it isn’t and what we experience is the symptom. Conflict (internal, external or both). Frustration. Anxiety. Anger! You pick.
When we experience the symptom(s), we usually try to manage them. Mitigate the conflict, reduce the frustration, manage the anxiety, suppress the anger (or let it explode, whatever). But these things don’t change the world and make it the way we want it to be. Taking a pill may reduce the headache, but it doesn’t address why the headache appeared, which is the “real” problem.
Stuckness can show up as boredom, irritability, or a loss of joy in things that once delighted us. These are not just emotional inconveniences—they’re clues. As has been said by many, “Pain is a signal.”
First, understanding and addressing what the “real” problem is often not straightforward. So often, there are complicating interactions, such that simplistic thinking does not really uncover the underlying, “real” problem. Indeed, many times the “real” problem is itself somewhat complex. I do want to acknowledge that and we will return to that in a bit. For now, however, we will assume you’ve identified the “real” problem. Usually, it seems the situation boils down to just two choices. Either we accept the world, the problem, the way it is, which means we change the way we look at it or we work to change it. Most of the time, we don’t actually choose either. Instead, we vacillate between ignoring, halfway measures, whatever. We stay stuck at the level of the symptoms. We cycle between frustration, avoidance, and ineffective coping strategies. Fully resolving the problem requires something that often is uncomfortable: clarity. There is a perception, real or imagined, that the solution brings its own challenges and associated discomforts. And, in fact, it very well might.
But there is a part of this conversation that is missing. And it is important: When you are faced with a situation in which you only have one option you are, in a word, a robot. When you have two options, like I am suggesting often happens (accept the world or work to change it) we have, a different word, a dilemma. Its either this or that and you don’t like either. What is needed is a third option for you to have true choice.
The philosopher Gregory Bateson famously said, “Without the possibility of a third option, there is no freedom.” When you’re stuck, it’s often because your mind is presenting you with only two alternatives, both of which feel unsatisfying or impossible. The key to getting unstuck is not to force yourself into one of these choices, but to cultivate the skill of generating new possibilities. So, spend your time looking for more options!
Generating new options may appear to be difficult, but there are some tips and tricks you can use to stimulate your mind. Here is the first: Assume all your existing choices are not just bad, but not even possible. Take away the either-or and make it neither. Now, what might you do?
Another: Each of the choices you do have has things about it that make it difficult or not practical, etc. Let's call them the obstacles. Look at these obstacles, review them, challenge them. Are they real obstacles, or are the obstacles in your imagination? Again, a lot of times, the lack of clarity we feel we need is obscured in the “mights”, “coulds”, “shoulds” and other fears, real and imagined. And even the “real” ones are often not purely black or white, but more gray. All of this is to say, tear it apart and really work on it on a deeper level.
Another: Don’t aim to create a third choice, aim to create three or more additional options. (Yes, they may well seem unrealistic when you start). But often, when you do this, some of these extra options raise new quandaries. “Well, if I do THAT, then I will have THIS to deal with.” Yes, and often those additional quandaries tie back to the same issue you started with, but in a way that you didn’t see it until now. And this quandary you can handle! Presto, new options, new ways of looking at the dilemma.
Inevitably, when trying to sort through all of the complexities of a truly complicated situation, one of our companions is fear. Fear is intended to be a healthy emotion, designed to protect us. But it can also paralyze us. Tim Ferriss has a great exercise he describes in a very popular TED Talk, which you can see here, that he calls “Fear Setting.” This is the practice of analyzing a given fear and helping you bring perspective to understanding its merit in a particular situation. Indeed, apply the fear setting steps (they are super easy and quick) to the “symptoms” and associated dilemma that started this essay can often bring the needed perspective to resolving, bringing more choices, and with it, waking up a bit more. It's only 13 minutes long. Isn’t investing 13 minutes worth it to equip you with a solution to escape what has so far eluded you?
If you found this issue helpful and want to hear more from Greg, be sure to subscribe to his podcast, Pants Around Ankles Prevention, where each episode delivers a punch of truth to help you wake up, gain perspective, and live with greater clarity and purpose. Listen and subscribe now on Apple Podcasts or YouTube.
This issue was originally published by Greg Hayne on Substack.