Fighting Reality
I’ve several quotes to share here.
“As long as you have certain desires about how it ought to be, you can’t see how it is.” - Ram Dass
I am the luckiest man in the world to have been married for more than 48 years to my wonderful wife, Moni. She has, however, the unfortunate habit of using profanity. When something doesn’t go the way she wants it to, she uses a filthy, very foul, dirty word. That word? “Should”. Something “should” be this way or it “shouldn't” be that way, she will say. And the result of that is that she experiences completely unnecessary anger, frustration, and stress. I am guilty, and I'll bet you are too, of using this foul language. It sucks the life out of us. It keeps us from seeing reality as it is. It keeps us asleep.
In my case, I’ve noticed that I have tremendous patience with technology when it goes awry. I’m not happy about it, it can be really inconvenient and frustrating, but I never use the “S” word. Stuff breaks. On the other hand, I am much more likely to use the “S” word when I am being victimized by people behaving badly. My tolerance is much more limited. And, in certain situations, it evaporates instantly. Grrrrr.
When I do catch myself headed down the “S” rabbit hole and can “arrest the fall” and change my thinking and approach, things invariably become less stressful, even though the source of the stress and situation are unchanged.
The “S” word is a barrier, separating us from reality AND from options and choices that can empower us and move us forward. Eliminating the “S” word (or your chosen derivation of it: could, would, etc) opens new possibilities and is a great example of a step in the direction of “waking up”.
A great book on the topic of expanding awareness and waking up is “Awareness” by the Jesuit, Anthony de Mello, which you can get here. It is a wonderful book. A gentle and loving punch in the gut that we can all benefit from. It is one of the few books that I think one should read every year.
But there is another opportunity buried in the Ram Dass quote that leads me to the next quote I wanted to share:
“Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks.” - Warren Buffett
If your boat is leaking and, let's face it, all of our boats are always leaking in one way or another, when we wake up to the choice of changing vessels or patching leaks, it is often helpful to realize that the reason for leaks is that we are arguing with reality. And reality always wins. I want to explore how you can benefit from this understanding and how you can use the principle to reshape your direction.
When we have aligned ourselves with what we need to be doing/being/having at any point in our life, what is most life supporting and expansive for us, it is like we are flowing with the current and no longer trying to row upstream, fighting the current. This is not to say we don’t have challenges, but they become the right kind of challenges. (We talked about this back in Issue 5 when we talked about one’s unique ability)
But when we decide to embrace reality better and flow with the current, there is often discomfort. Following the current is easier. It is. But leaving the status quo behind, even if it is a “leaking boat”, usually necessitates some step into the unknown, and that is rarely easy.
So, a choice must be made. In my life, I find that there is usually a massive amount of “negotiation” involved. That and whining, whimpering, attempts to ignore the constant leaking in the vessel and then more negotiating. But when I do get clear that the choice is to continue to deal with the chronic leaks or change the vessel, then I just jump ship. I’ve never been disappointed.
I suppose that this process of “negotiation” is different for everyone, because we all have different strengths and weaknesses, different limitations and skills. However, the tool that I have found to be essential in working through this is writing. I know a lot of other people who feel the same way. I write about the anxiety, the fear. I get the whining, whimpering, and complaining down on paper. I get all the options and sub-options on paper. I look at it this way and that and write it all down. I do it over weeks, sometimes months, and, I’m embarrassed to admit, sometimes years. (Now that I am older, the whole process is much, much shorter, because I understand the real “issue” is not the whining and fears, it is the simple reluctance to choose between the status quo of the chronically leaking vessel and choosing a new way to cross the river. I still need to “get clear”, but once clear, I choose. I understand how this can be scary, but I’ve done it enough in my life that once I get clear, the fear drops away, and I always go for it and jump ship.) And let's be clear, sometimes it involves leaving something that is actually pretty good. But I believe you need to be willing to say no to the good so that you can say yes to the best.
As you have been reading this, surely some of your “leaks” have floated into your awareness. There are areas in your life where you’ve already discovered the problem and already discovered that patching the leaks has not been effective. Does knowing that changing boats rather than fighting leaks is a better use of your time and energy make the decision process easier for you? I can only say it makes it easier for me. Where might you be able to try it and see? Where can you see a “small” leak where you might try a different approach that looks like moving to a different boat would not be so challenging?
If you want to talk, you know where to find me. If you want a much deeper dive into this you might find more help at www.whatsnextcourse.com.
If you found this issue helpful and want to hear more from Greg, be sure to subscribe to his podcast, Pants Around Ankles Prevention, where each episode delivers a punch of truth to help you wake up, gain perspective, and live with greater clarity and purpose. Listen and subscribe now on Apple Podcasts or YouTube.